A song just came on and it made me think of the way we work. It’s easier for the both of us to let each other go, yet every time we try to let go, it seems to never be that way. No matter how hard I push you away, you’ll always be there to say that it’s alright and that you love me. Every time you try to leave and slowly come back, I say the same back to you. It’s odd how something could be so perfect yet heart wrenching at the same time. I think about it a lot—what life would be like without these miles between us. Would we still talk every single day? Would we actually have a fight? Most of all, would be still be like this always? I’m not sure why, but sometimes I just sit back, think about you, and smile to myself. No matter how far you are from me, I still feel so happy just being yours. Every time I think about why I’m trying so hard for you, the memories of spending time with you float back into my mind, and I remember. I try hard because you make me happy, whether it was for those 5 days I spent in humid Louisiana or these six months I’ve had you. Whatever it is.. I just feel happy with you, no matter the distance.

Sometimes, I wonder if you’re enough for me. Sounds terrible right? After leaving Louisiana, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where things would go between us. Do I continue flying back and forth? Will one of us eventually move? I think I’m greedy, I want you all to myself. Each night I go to bed, it’s so hard to sleep without feeling your arms around me. Each time I do something or see something that reminds me of you, it’s so hard to not feel far from you. I feel like I’m just constrained to California when deep down inside, I want to be so much closer to you. I would love to move, I would, but how do I throw down everything and start new there? And even if I do, how do I know something there will eventually fit my B. S in Biology? What if it doesn’t? And what if I don’t move, would you move for me? I don’t really know how things would turn out for us and I think that’s really tripping me out because I like things to be clear in my future, so I can think ahead—but for some reason, I can’t seem to tell what lies ahead for us. Maybe it’s the complex situation we’re in, or maybe it’s because there’s a sliver of doubt in my mind that thinks that we won’t work in the long run. I mean, I do want it to work, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head—but sometimes.. I can’t help but to think, what if it doesn’t?

At some point in the day, I feel alright without you. I feel that my heart doesn’t hurt anymore; that you’re just pure memories; that you’re seriously nothing more than just a person to me. I feel like things were maybe better this way, but then there’s times where I would feel so sad without you. It feels like a part of me is kind of missing; maybe it’s because I gave you the biggest piece of my heart. After being cold and distrusting to everyone around me, you were the first person I had actually tried to not be cold for; you were the first person I wanted to care about and fight for. Does it matter in the end though? How much I sacrificed? In the end, I don’t know why I tried so hard for someone who didn’t even pull me back when I walked away. I tried and gave up so much space in my heart for someone who can’t even give me a part of his. Thoughts like this, make me believe you’re not worth it to me in any way. But then I think about everything, all the hardships we had, all the memories we shared, all the feelings we had—everything—and it all comes back to me being upset about how you’re not here anymore. I’m not sure why I haven’t made up my mind when it’s clear that I should let go. I’m not sure why I keep thinking, that maybe, just maybe, you’ll do something extraordinary and maybe.. for once, you’ll choose me. Silly that I keep waiting for something that isn’t coming back to me again. It’s silly for me to hope that you’re missing me when you probably aren’t. You say that you don’t want to keep hurting me, but can’t you tell that the thing that hurts me the most is when you leave? The thing that hurts me the most isn’t all these little problems we have, it’s the fact that you’d rather walk away than to ask me to stay. It’s the fact that you don’t even stop me from leaving. What hurts the most, is when you keep walking out on me when I just want you to stay so badly. 

Sometimes, I feel perfectly fine without you—I don’t know if it’s my confidence that you’ll be back or if it’s me accepting that I’ve given up already. But then there’s just moments where I would remember so many things between us that felt so right, and I would start to break down. I would feel the need to cry and my eyes would become watery. I would feel like I’m missing so much in my life without you. I wonder if it’s the same for you—I wonder if you’re even thinking about me. Do you wish that you could hear my voice? Do you wish we could go back? Do you wish that we weren’t silent? I do. I woke up this morning, and the first thing on my mind was you. I began to think about you and what you were doing today. I don’t know why, but no matter how hard I try to forget or push you out of my head, you always seem to crawl back in. I don’t know when things started getting so confusing for me, but I no longer know how I feel. If I ask my heart, I want you to come back. I want you so badly to tell me that you’re sorry. But if I ask my mind—the logical mind—I feel that I should let go, because, what am I waiting for? Someone who lets me go when things get hard? Or someone who has to realize what it feels like to not have me, in order to appreciate me? It’s weird how I can feel so alright without you, yet so hurt without you. I wonder if you’re having a hard time like me, are you? Do you wish you could hear my voice once more? Do miss my bothersome texts? Nagging? Surprises? Because, truth is, I miss you so much and it’s only been 24 hours. 

They say that the first day is the hardest—it’s true, it’s always the hardest because you get the actual feeling of how it feels to be without that person. I don’t know how to feel really, upset? Angry? Or happy? A part of me thinks that maybe it’s good we stopped because maybe it’s good that I am not with someone who doesn’t appreciate me; it’s good that we ended things before I had truly invested much more. Another part of me, feels so lost and hurt that we are no longer “us.” I’m not sure why you would feel the need to be apart from me when you know that you miss me, love me, and care about me so much. I don’t know why you would let me go when you should be fighting for me to stay. I wanted so much for you to ask me to stay because you wanted me to be here. I wanted so much for you to apologize for the terrible things you said and tell me how much I mean to you so I wouldn’t leave. Why do you always let me go when things get hard? Shouldn’t you be holding on to me tighter? I don’t know what our paths will come to in the end or even if they’ll run together anymore. I wanted you to text or call me last night and just tell me you missed me. I wanted you to stop me from leaving when I told you I was leaving. I wanted you to tell me you need me in your life, that you’d do anything to make me stay—but you didn’t. And I think that’s what hurts the most, when the person that should be holding on to you, decides to let you go like sand through their fingers. Truth is, I’m walking away slowly because I want to give you more and more chances but are you going to take that chance again? Because I won’t be here forever..

I can’t do this anymore, I can’t. It’s done, I’ll never speak to you again because I can’t keep letting you come back to do the same thing to me every time. I can’t bear to see you keep walking out and in again. I can’t keep riding a roller coaster that has no ending. I want to believe so hard that it would work, that we’d be the ones that make it in the end, that no matter how many hardships or fights we have, we’ll still be together—but I can’t. I can’t keep holding on to someone that just keeps letting me go. I can’t keep waiting on someone who does nothing but run away. I can’t keep trusting someone who proves me wrong all the time. So I’m done. I don’t know what’s going through your mind, but I just don’t want to care anymore. This is the last time I’m going to care because it’s done. You won, I’m letting go. Don’t come knocking on my door ever again because I won’t let you in anymore.

TG, you’re not allowed to run away; no matter how scared you are, you are not allowed to turn your back to me and walk away just because you’re afraid. I’m afraid too—I’m scared to trust you and put all my faith in you. I don’t do many things right in my life, in fact, I’ve probably done more wrong things than right things. I’m self centered, selfish, clingy, insecure, and flawed but if there’s one thing I can do right in life is caring. Yes, I care too much and I suffocate people with affection but it’s not going to stop me from caring about you. If you try to run away from me, I’m only going to stay here.. waiting. I’m not going to yell at you and call you an insensitive jerk every time you break my heart and push me away—I’m only going to say, “It’s okay. I still love you.” If there’s anything I do right in life, it’s giving unconditional love to anyone whom I think deserves it. People may not think you deserve it from me, that you need to stop coming in and out of my life, but deep down inside, I know you care. I know I mean something to you and I know you want me just as much as I want you. I’m not going to run, TG. I’m going to hold your hand when you need me too. I’m going to snuggle you when you ask me to. I’m going to reassure you when you feel like I’m going away—because, I’m not going anywhere. They say that the girl who stays no matter how many times you break her heart, is the one for you. I maybe flawed and emotionally retarded but I know that if it’s anyone who can love you more than anything in their life, it’s me. 

Please don’t prove me wrong…
Prove to me that I’m right for putting my faith in you to come back. 

The best part of the day is falling asleep because you don’t have to feel or think. When I’m asleep, I don’t have to think about if you lied to me or if you’re honestly just taking it slow with me; I don’t have to think about if I want to give you up or wait. Ironically, waking up is the worst part of my day. Why? Because when I wake up, the first thing I still think about is you. I wonder what you’re doing, how you’re feeling, if you’re thinking about me, and if you even feel the same things I’m feeling. Is it hard for you to walk away from me? Do you want to run back and pull me close? It hurts less today because I think deep down inside, I have so much doubt about you that I just gave up already. Today, I caught myself thinking that whatever is going on, it’s no longer important because I’m not worth it to you. No matter how many times you’ve told me you’re in love with me, that you missed me, or anything in the past, I no longer feel like it’s true. I think deep down inside, I gave up hope because I’m tired of fighting for something that just keeps hurting me over and over again; tired of fighting for something that doesn’t do much but disappoint me after giving me so much hope. Whenever I think about you, I catch myself thinking, “Why do you even care? He doesn’t care, so you shouldn’t either,” or, “Why are you trying so hard when all he did was let you go?” Maybe… I’m just finally realizing that I no longer want to fight for someone who can’t even fight for me. I’m tired of wanting to hope that things will be alright and end up perfect because, maybe, it’s just not real. I no longer believe you.

You know what’s the hardest part about this whole thing? The moments of silence. The silence is always the hardest part for me because I don’t know what could be going on through your mind. It only reminds me how fragile long distance relationships are—one cut off the phone, Skype, or text messages, then it’s over. The contact cuts because you don’t have to see that person and you know what remains? The memories. I was so determined on waiting yesterday, but after 24 hours has passed by, I no longer want to wait. 24 hours without you was enough to bring me to tears. The thought of never being with you again, made my heart drop. I asked myself over and over again today, “Why are you holding on when someone’s letting you go?” In these 24 hours, there wasn’t a single minute that I didn’t think about you. Every hour, every minute, every second, it was you on my mind. It’s silly how I still have a sliver of hope, the kind of hope that wishes you were back already. It took you 8 hours last time, how long will it take you this time? Are you even planning on being back? I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore. Do I want to continue with my unconditional love, or, do I want to be selfish and run away? I can’t decide because with every path I choose, it’s all the same result—I will hurt. If I wait, I will hurt as every minute of silence passes by. If I don’t wait, I will hurt, knowing that we’ll never be again. So what do I do? Do I let go earlier and so it hurts less later? Or do I continue to believe that it’s honestly just space? You tell me.